BULLIES AND VICTIMS
Michele Elliott excerpt from Bullying: A Practical Guide to Coping for Schools
· Bullying affects the lives of thousands of children and young people · What is bullying? Signs and symptoms · Girl vs boy type bullying · Bystanders · Chronic bullies and victims · ZAP courses and Citizenship
Nine year old Mark was walking home from school when a gang of bullies set upon him. His arm was broken, his money stolen and his books were destroyed. His self confidence was also destroyed. He became withdrawn, hated to go to school and eventually had counselling to help him through the trauma. He knew the boys who attacked him, but refused to tell who they were. He was frightened of what they would do if he told.
Fourteen year old Sarah was cornered on the playground by a gang of 10 boys and girls. She was stripped to the waist and had to beg on her knees to get her clothes back. She was pushed, punched and had her hair pulled. 'Tell and you'll get worse' was the parting shot from one of the girls. Sarah didn't tell until they did it again and took photographs. When her mother confronted the school, she was told it was only 'horseplay'. Sarah, who had attempted suicide after the latest incident, was transferred to another school in which she is thriving.
In a similar case, 13 year old Theresa was held down by a gang of nine girls, physically assaulted and then stripped in front of a group of boys. Her distraught father rang the Kidscape helpline because the school advised him that he should not go to the police. He was also advised that the gang of girls would be leaving the school within weeks so the school were not taking any further action, having given the girls detention.
12 year old Simon was bullied over two years by three boys at his boarding school. He was beaten, locked out of his room, shoved outdoors in his underwear on a freezing January night and constantly subjected to taunts about his weight. Simon ran away from the school and had a nervous breakdown.
Debbie was sent to Coventry (excluded) by her former friends. Liz was the ring reader - she became jealous of how well Debbie was doing in school. Liz exerte4d enough power over the other girls so they all refused to sit with her, wrote nasty things on the chalk board about her, turned their backs on her if she approached them and made her life miserable. Debbie's work deteriorated, she found excuses not to go to school and became withdrawn. Whenever her mother asked what was happening, Debbie said nothing.
The Extent of Bullying
Isolated cases of bullying or just the tip of the iceberg? Most studies show that bullying takes place in every type of school. Teachers and staff may do their best to eradicate bullying, but every school has to face the problem at some time.
The first UK nationwide survey of bullying was conducted by Kidscape from 1984 to 1986 with 4,000 children aged 5 to 16. The survey revealed that 68% of the children had been bullied at least once. 38% had been bullied at least twice or had experienced a particularly bad incident. 05% of the students felt it had affected their lives to the point that they had tried suicide, had run away, refused to go to school or been chronically ill (Elliott and Kilpatrick 2002). Subsequent Kidscape and other studies have found similar results. A Department of Education-funded project found that 27% of the pupils who took part in the project in junior and middle schools in Sheffield were bullied. 10% indicated that they were bullied once a week (Whitney & Smith 1993). Researchers at Exeter University questioned 5,500 children age 13 and found that 26% of boys and 34% of girls had been afraid of bullies sometimes, often or very often (Balding 1996).
ChildLine, the national telephone helpline for children, last year received nearly 20,000 calls from children and young people who are worried about bullying. Kidscape receives calls from over 16,000 parents a year who say their children are being bullied. Bullying affects not only the child, but also the entire family.
Bullying is not only a UK problem - it happens throughout the world. Dan Olweus, the world renown expert, has been researching the problem of bullying in Norway since 1973. He has estimated that one in seven students in Norwegian schools has been involved in bully/victim problems (Olweus 1993). Similar findings in other European countries and in Canada and the USA indicate that if adults are willing to listen and investigate, children will tell them that bullying is one of the major problems children face during their school years.
What Is It?
Bullying takes many forms. It can be physical, like a child being pushed, beaten, or thumped with knuckles. It can involve a weapon and threats. One seven year old boy had a knife pulled on him in the playground. Bullying can also be verbal and emotional, racial or sexual. A thirteen year old girl was told she was dirty and ugly by one group of girls. She used to wash two or three times a day to try to win their approval, which was never forthcoming. An Asian boy was taunted with racist remarks and eventually played truant rather than face his tormentors. An 11 year old girl found herself the victim of continuous sexist remarks because she was beginning to develop physically - she tried to tape her breasts so the comments would stop. A 14 year old boy was constantly taunted by being called 'gay'.
Girls and Boys
Cases assembled by Kidscape since 1984 previously indicated that boys were more likely to be physical in bullying, while girls tended to be cruel verbally. In fact research by Dan Olweus (Olweus 1993) indicated that girls were more often exposed to harassment such as slandering, spreading of rumours, and exclusion from the group rather than physical attacks. Olweus said it must be emphasized that these gender differences were general and that in some schools girls were also exposed to physical bullying, while some boys verbally attack one another. Recently the calls to the Kidscape had begun to show a worrying trend including cases in the UK in which girls have violently and aggressively attacked other girls, as happened to Sarah and Theresa mentioned at the beginning of this chapter. There was a widely reported death caused by young teenage girls bullies beating up a 13 year old girl, who was trying her best to stop a fight. It cost her her life. The incidents of girls being violent does seem to be increasing and is a trend that must be viewed with concern.
A prevailing attitude about bullying is that 'boys will be boys' and that being aggressive and bullying is to be expected. Efforts have been made to change this attitude, but in the meantime it appears that some girls have decided to be more 'laddish' than the lads. There may be several reasons for this disturbing development:
· lack of responsible parenting · increase in violent female role-models in the media · trendy approaches to dealing with bullying which seek not to apportion blame or give consequences to bullying actions · girls who think being aggressive gives them status · girls confusing being assertive with being aggressive
It is significant that the research at Sheffield University mentioned above suggests that girls are just as likely to use violence when bullying, but more likely to be ashamed to admit it than boys. If this attitude continue there may be hope that the increase in girl violence my slow down. However, most teachers feel that this unfortunate tendency is here to stay.
Bystander Attitude
If a child is bullied, peer pressure sometimes makes it difficult for the victim to rally support from other children. As one girl told me: 'I don't like it that Gill is bullied, but I can't do anything about it or they will turn on me, too'. This 'bystander attitude' also hurts the children who feel that can't help the victim. In several schools teachers report children who had witnessed bullying were badly affected by what they saw. Some of them felt anger, rage and helplessness. Several had nightmares and were worried that they might be the next victims. Most felt guilty that they did not stop the bully, but really did not know how to help the victim.
We know from our work with schools, that one of the most effective ways to cut down on bullying is to work with the bystanders and those who are on the periphery of bullying groups. The power that the bully has is because those around him or her do nothing or even encourage the bullying behaviour because it causes excitement. When we remove the bystanders and the periphery group, the bully is isolated and then may be motivated to change his or her behaviour. Meeting with these students individually and removing them from the equation is a vital first step in stopping the bullying. It may be that they are told they cannot play with, eat with or be around the bully - this depends upon the way the school deals with such problems. In a sense you are bringing them back into your code of conduct and telling them that you want them to be a positive part of the group. You are offering them better choices than the one they've made. It is important then to praise them for good behaviour. Of course this takes valuable time, but it does pay dividends. Without this peer support, the bully may try to ensnare other children, so it is wise to keep an eye out. What we have found is that the bully is more willing to change his or her behaviour when the kudos and fun of bullying is curtailed because there is no audience or applause.
The Telltale Signs
A child may indicate by signs or behaviour that he or she is being bullied. Sometimes this is the only clue adults have about what is happening because of the code of silence so often maintained about bullying.
Children or young people may:
· Be frightened of walking to or from school · Be unwilling to go to school and make continual excuses to avoid going · Beg to be driven to school · Change their route to school everyday · Begin doing poorly in their schoolwork · Regularly have clothes or books or schoolwork torn or destroyed · Come home starving (because dinner money was taken) · Become withdrawn · Start stammering · Start hitting other children (as a reaction to being bullied by those children or others) · Stop eating or being obsessively clean (as a reaction to being called 'fatty' or 'dirty') · Develop stomach and headaches due to stress · Attempt suicide · Cry themselves to sleep · Begin wetting the bed · Have nightmares and call out things like 'leave me alone' · Have unexplained bruises, scratches, cuts · Have their possessions go 'missing' · Ask for money or begin stealing money (to pay the bully) · Continually 'lose' their pocket money · Refuse to say what's wrong · Give improbable excuses to explain any of the above.
If a child is displaying some of these symptoms, bullying is a likely cause, though obviously not the only possibility.
Chronic Bullies
In the Kidscape studies we found many reasons why children bully and that much of the bullying behaviour was occasional, not chronic. Some children were spoilt brats - over-indulged by doting parents who felt their child could do no wrong. This kind of bully was completely selfish and hit out if anyone got in his way. Other children who were bullying were victims of some sort of abuse or neglect. They had been made to feel inadequate, stupid and humiliated. Some children who were bullies also seemed to be popular with other children. Upon closer examination it was evident that they were 'popular' because children hung around them to avoid becoming a victim themselves or because they thought the bully had status. Whatever the various reasons for bullying behaviour, only a small number of children became chronic bullies and these are the ones who cause the most problems.
What also emerged from our work is that chronic bullies are unlikely to respond to methods such as the no blame approach which attempts to instil in the bully empathy for victims. Chronic bullies are quite skilful at manipulation and may appear to have sympathy for the victim because that is what they know the teacher wants to hear. The bully uses his manipulation skills to pull the wool over the adult's eyes and then ensures that the victim never tells again. The method may appear to work on the surface because the bullying is driven underground. It may also work in very low level cases where the children were previously friends, but had fallen out for petty reasons.
What teachers say does work is isolating the power of the bully and then helping him or her to make better choices to become part of the school community instead of a troublemaker. The problem is that this takes time that teachers do not have and so the solution to exclude the bully may have to be made. Then the bully becomes the problem of someone else and most probably grows up to join the ranks of big bullies who bully their children, spouses and workmates.
Children who are abused at home who become chronic bullies are to be pitied. Children who are nurtured and loved can cope with being vulnerable and dependent, and with making mistakes or not doing everything properly. This is a normal part of growing up. These children are punished or humiliated for things they cannot help, like accidently wetting the bed, not being hungry when adults decide it is time to eat, spilling a drink, falling over and getting hurt or putting on a jumper back to front.
The adults expect impossible things from the child and make it clear that being dependent and vulnerable are not acceptable. Being strong and humiliating others are the acceptable ways to behave. Indeed, this is the only way to behave if the child is to survive.
The child comes to deny and hate this vulnerable self. It is linked with weakness and being weak is associated with pain. When this child perceives that another child is weak in any way, he or she attacks. But the sad fact is that this child is really attacking himself - it is self hatred that makes some bullies.
Bullies need help, but usually reject any attempt to do so. Realistic, firm guidelines and rules may help them to control their reactions and lashing out behaviour. Also trying to help them achieve some success can make a difference.
One boy was nurtured by a teacher who helped him to learn skills in woodworking. He began to produce beautiful boxes which the teacher made sure were prominently displayed and admired. The boy found a part of himself that he could like and stopped bullying others. Unfortunately, the 'success' that most bullies achieve is by being a bully and other children need help to cope with the problem.
Victims
Many children are one-off victims of bullying. They just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. They become victims of bullying because, unfortunately, the bully chooses them to torment. If no one stops the bully, these victims start to think that they are to blame for the bullying. The reality is that the bully needs a victim. Kidscape has found that often these children get along quite well in one school, but are victimised continually at another. This may be because of the particular mix of children at the schools, but more likely it is because of the policy of one school has evolved towards bullying, while the other school takes firm action against bullying.
A small minority of children seem to be perpetual victims. They are bullied no matter where they go and it even carries on into adult life. Several people have contacted Kidscape to say that they had been bullied at school from an early age. Subsequently they were bullied all their lives - at work, in marriage and in all relationships. They have developed a victim mentality and are unable to stand up for themselves.
In one study Kidscape found that some of the children who were chronic victims were intelligent, sensitive and creative, but they were also lacking in humour. They had good relationships with their parents and families, but were inclined to be intense and very serious. The everyday 'give and take' of life was not easy for them. A small group of the chronic victims seemed to almost seek out being bullied. These children were often victims of some other kinds of abuse and actually had much in common with the chronic bullies. Some had been both victim and bully.
Children first need to know that there are some situations which might be impossible to deal with - a gang of bullies attacking one child or a bully with a weapon. Since the child's safety is the primary concern, advise them that money or anything else is not worth getting badly hurt over. Sometimes it is better to give the bully what he or she asks for and get away and tell an adult.
Some adults feel it is best to just give as good as you get. If a child reports being bullied, the response is "hit back or you will continue to be bullied". While this tactic can work, it places the often smaller, weaker victim in an impossible situation. And bullies are most likely to choose this kind of victim.
Suggestions for Dealing with Bullying
The children who always seem to be bullied need as much help as possible. The first thing to do is to examine the child's behaviour to find out if he or she is acting and feeling like a victim. Perhaps the child needs to learn to walk in a more confident manner or learn to express feelings of anger and become more self-assertive.
One family helped their son by practising walking, which also increased his self-confidence. They first had the child walk like he was frightened, head down and shoulders hunched. They then discussed how it felt inside. "Scared", replied the child. They then had him practise walking with head held high, taking long strides and looking straight ahead. Asked about what it felt like, the boy said, "strong".
It was a simple way to begin to help him understand how the bully might be looking at him. It is best to repeat this kind of exercise over weeks and involve other family members or friends, giving the child lots of praise. It should not be done if it creates tension or if it becomes a form of bullying, which would only make the child feel worse.
ZAP
Kidscape began working on a regular basis with children and young people who have been bullied. They come to our one-day course called ZAP and learn ways to feel better about themselves and how to become more self-assertive. During the day they meet others who have experienced bullying and learn techniques and strategies that help them stop thinking of themselves as victims. One boy said that he went back to school and pretended that the bullying did not bother him and eventually the acting turned into reality. Another child said how good it was to meet other children who had been through similar experiences and that she didn't feel she was the only one anymore. Many of the children are keeping in contact with one another. The parents also meet in a separate session during that day and we help them to find ways to reduce the bullying and stress on their children and their own families.
Kidscape has been running ZAP courses for five years and following the progress of those who attend. In nearly 80% of cases, the bullying stops for the victim; in another 18%, it remains about the same; in about 02% of cases, it get worse. ZAP is currently being independently evaluated by the Charities Evaluation Services.
Kidscape is working in several LEAs running ZAP courses and training teachers, youth workers, community police officers, victims support and connexions advisors, learning mentors, psychologists, martial arts practitioners, community workers and we are monitoring the results.
Coping
If a child is tied into knots by a difficult situation such as bullying, help them get the anger out and express those feelings. Drawing, keeping a diary and using plasticine are three good ways to do this. For example, it is therapeutic to make a plasticine model of the bully, even for older students, and act out inner frustrations. This can lead to more open discussion and help you to develop strategies with the child about how to cope and what to do.
Coping might include getting other children to help, if possible, as in the school situation mentioned below. One little girl practised saying no in front of the mirror for a month, learned to walk in a more assertive way and her mother arranged for another child to walk with her to school. When the bully did approach, the girl looked her right in the eye, said "leave me alone" very loudly and firmly and walked away. The bully started to follow and the girl and her friend turned around and shouted "get away from us". The bully left.
One mother was more direct. She went to school, sought out the groups which had been terrorising her daughter and told them: "I don't care if you don't like my daughter - that's your right. but heaven help you if I find that you go near her or talk to her or even look at her. Is that clear?" She fixed them with such a stare that they meekly nodded. The mum made it her business to be around for a week after that.
The girls turned to a new victim. One without an assertive mother, no doubt! Although some people would not agree with her approach, in this case it did solve the problem. Her daughter told me that she was at first embarrassed, but then really proud that her mum cared enough to try to protect her.
When a child has been part of a group that turns and starts to bully him or her, it is particularly difficult. Sometimes it is one of those temporary phases where one or another of the group is in or out of favour. Other times it becomes a real vendetta, usually led by one of the old gang. When this happens, the only choice may be to find a new group, often very difficult, or to try to stop the victimisation and get back into the group.
One mum successfully helped her son to break the cycle by inviting two of the boys and their families around for a barbecue. It broke the group's desire to bully this boy. It also eventually led to a parent's group which worked on the general problem of bullying in the neighbourhood. Part of their strategy was to say to their children that it was all right to tell if they are being bullied - that is not telling tales.
But if children tell, adults must be prepared to try to help, as these parents did. Bullying then becomes unacceptable behaviour within the community and the children feel comfortable supporting one another.
Teachers of younger children might suggest that parents invite over one or two children in the bullying group, who are not ringleaders. By ensuring that there is a lot to do and that a good time is had, it becomes much more difficult for the children to want to bully the victim. Gradually increase the size of the group so that the 'victim's' home becomes a focal point and somewhere that the children want to go. This is extra work, but it is usually worth it. Better to spend energy creating a positive situation than trying to pick up the pieces of a bullied child. See chapter 4 about younger children.
Older students might try activities outside the school to make new friends or take up some new activity in school such as music or art or sports of some kind. Exercise can also help as it allows the student to get out frustrations and unwind and may lead them to develop a new skill, as well. The local authority should be able to help in finding what is available near you.
Cooperation
Teachers have a major role to play in the prevention of bullying. Kidscape suggests that lessons on cooperation and how to prevent bullying be part of the normal school curriculum. All of the Kidscape programmes, which range from age 3 to age 16, include the lessons about the problem of bullying and how to develop strategies. The students roleplay situations, discuss the issues and decide how to best tackle the problem. Again, peer pressure is a formidable force and should be used. See chapter 6 for information about anti-bullying practices in schools.
A slightly more controversial approach which Kidscape initiated in some schools is the bully court - we call them councils, they students call them courts. It can be easily set up, but only in the right school context where a policy has been established and there is solid backing from parents and teachers. The courts are a way of getting children constructively involved in citizenship and in taking responsibility for one another. (See chapter 7). In fact good citizenship is the basis for prevention of bullying - when students learn to work together, help one another and form a cohesive group, bullying all but disappears. It is vital that the students get involved in solving problems and coming up with ideas so that they feel responsible for their behaviour and the well being of those around them. The most successful anti-bullying policies we have seen come from schools that involve the children in decision-making.
One example is a secondary school that had several classes of problem students - you know, the kind of class that every teacher dreads. One teacher, having inherited the 'class from hell' as a double lesson, told the students on the first day that this was going to be the year they lost that reputation. She immediately gave them 20 minutes to begin to find solutions. She stayed observed their feeble efforts to figure out what to do - 'like a headless octopus' was her description. But she did not intervene. At the end of the session, she said they would have a 15 or 20-minute session the next day and they needed to come back with ideas. The other teachers thought she had lost her mind, but she stuck it out. After a few weeks, the students had laid down ground rules, worked out a method of discussion and were staring to be more civilised, according to other staff members. To cut a long story short, the students eventually became a coherent group and all credit is due the teacher who had the courage and stamina to teach them good citizenship. Credit, too, to the headteacher who supported her.
Of course the problem of bullying is best addressed by a joint approach of parents, teachers, playground supervisors and children. The prevention of bullying then becomes a priority. In the Kidscape programmes, bullying is one of the most important lessons dealt with because it is one that concerns everyone. The students usually respond to this lesson so well that some schools report that bullying is reduced to a minimum, although no one claims that it had stopped altogether.
Cowardly
Bullying was reduced or stopped because the children learned that bullying was cowardly, that they could not be bystanders and that everyone had a responsibility to stop this kind of behaviour. The bully was quite often left without victims to bully and sometimes became a positive member of the group.
SUMMARY
Bullying will never go away completely, but by condemning bullying behaviour and acting to stop it, we can prevent thousands of children suffering. After all, we used to shove children up chimneys and stuff them down mines. Now, that would seem totally unacceptable. Perhaps in time the idea of bullying will seem equally unacceptable. The good news is that now the vast majority of schools recognise that bullying is a problem and that most teachers want to see it stamped out altogether. As one teacher commented, "It's a lot easier to teach kids who aren't worrying about what's going to happen to them at the break. It's good to see the former bullies (some used to frighten me) feeling better about themselves. Maybe they are finally learning a bit of math!"
References
Balding, J. 1996 'Bully Off: Young People Who Fear Going to School', Schools Health Education Unit, Exeter University.
Elliott, M and Kilpatrick, J. 2002. How to Stop Bullying: A KIDSCAPE Training Guide, KIDSCAPE.
Olweus, D. 1993 Bullying at School: What we know and what we can do, Blackwell.
Whitney,I. & Smith P 1993 'A Survey of the nature & extent of bullying in junior/middle & secondary schools', in Press Educational Research, Vol 35, No1 Spring.
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